Happy Flappers and Vaxxers finally able to meet indoors, Carryduff yesterday.
Still reeling from having their asses sued by grumpy Norn Iron song and dance man Van Morrison for plagiarizing his 1968 CD title ‘Astral Zenicol,’ Germans poisons company ‘AstralZenicol’ says the fallout from the lawsuit is ‘rocking’ Jo public’s confidence in their popular supermarket jab.
Reports have been coming in from all over the worlds that ‘disturbances in consciousness,’ a lesser known advert reaction to the AstralZenicol jab, is 50 percent higher than the effect of listening to the original ethereal nonsense by Morrison.
‘It’s just totally fucked what’s been going on’, says CEO of AstralZenicol, Astrid Zenicol, who was also the creative director of the company’s ‘Brown Eyed Girl’ cosmetic division which sadly had to close last year due to reports of facial disfigurement from its
users.
‘I honestly thought things couldn’t get any worse than the shit show we had to face in 2020,’ said Astrid, ‘but boy, was I wrong about that!’ ‘People just don’t realise the painstaking effort that goes into modelling a jab for an unsequenced virus. Essentially, we have no fucking clue what we’re actually trying to protect people from, and we had to bring in worlds experts Neil Ferguson to imagine what that might be.’
‘Neil was just fantastic,’ said Astrid. ‘After only 40 minutes of tinkering about on his Excel spreadsheets (and who the hell understands that these days?) we had a formula. Obviously, a bit like the special sauce you get on a big Mac, I can’t tell you all the magical ingredients, but suffice it to say, Johnson and Johnson’s baby powder might just have played a part,’ said Astrid, who winked at me suggestively with the side of her face not affected by Bell’s Palsy. ‘And Jesus, did we get a good job lot on that!’
Since The Covid Chronicle values impeccable investigative journalism (as our readers will know), we decided to conduct our own extensive research on the AstralZenicol jab, and ask the tough question: was it really necessary for Asda to remove it from their supermarket shelves?
In the UK, the jab has only been poo-pooed for the ‘under 30’ age category, and if you are in that age category, it only increases your chances of dying by 5%, which is nothing really, when you consider your chances of dying from falling into a slurry tank are nearly 80%!
In the Netherlands, France, Italy, Spain, Bosnia-Herzegovina, Australia and other important Eurovision countries, the AstralZenicol jab is only dangerous for the under 55’s, with your chance of dying increasing to 10%. Again, if you consider the risk of serious mortality through being accidentally scooped up while scuba diving by a water carrier plane, and deposited on a forest fire, rising to nearly 99.9999999%, it surely puts things in perspective.
Lastly, in Germany, Austria, and the USSR, you just can’t take it if you’re over 60, and in Mongolia and Saudi Arabia, they’ve poo-pooed it for our octogenarian sons and daughters, with the risk of dying rising to nearly 17%. Again, the chances of someone from the latter age group dying by choking on a Bratwurst if forced to go for supper with Klaus Schwab rising to 100%, 17% looks like a bloody good innings to us!
So really, what has all this fuss been about? If we look at the safety and efficacy of the AstralZenciol jab, it is clear that anyone aged between 55 and 60 is laughing all the way to a blockchain domain, while the rest of us are clearly getting our knickers in a twist over pesky empirical data most MainStream Media outlets very wisely avoid.
At the end of the day, vested interest scientific and medical experts all over the worlds largely agree that the benefits of AstralZenicol to them personally greatly outweigh the risks to Jo public generally, and that Byron Williams (CEO of Asda and principal shareholder of Pfizer and Moderna) has been far too hasty removing the jab from Asda supermarket shelves.
‘Yes, it is true that 80% percent of Sicilians have sadly refused our jab,’ says Astrid, ‘…but that is simply because we have only been able to bribe 20% of them so far! We are still settling things with that bastard Van Morrison, and are experiencing a temporary cash flow issue.’
The company is fully confident that they will be successfully jabbing us all again in the near future.
You did a great job with those figures. I had no idea that the jab is so safe, compared to falling into a slurry tank. As we are surrounded by farms my mortality risk is far higher than I assumed so far. A small correction- in Germany (I've just been there) the jab is considered safe for the over 60ies, probably also when you compare it to being picked up by a water carrier plane when scooba diving. You really put my mind at rest and I'll put my name down straight for the next vaccine opportunity!