Aoife Gallagher reprogramming a brainwashed victim of The Telegam yesterday
Shocking new research has revealed that Irish conspiracy nutjobs are receiving their sinister instructions from a violent, right-wing hate app called ‘The Telegram’. The terrifying revelation has been brought to light in a powerful new espionage style novel published by Aoife Gallagher of the Institute for Strategic Dialogue.
Gallagher, who has devoted her life to ridding Ireland of vile opinions she doesn’t agree with, shows in her novel how dim-witted, slack-jawed paddies are being sucked into an international conspiracy of wrong-think and right-wing extremism which begins when they download The Telegram app onto their smartphones.
“Smartphones? More like dunce phones.”, giggled Gallagher in a beautifully ladylike fashion when I spoke to her this morning at her suite in the Merrion Hotel. “But it’s no laughing matter. All of the bad things that happen in Ireland are as a direct result of The Telegram.”
But what is The Telegram? Most of us had never heard of this menace when we woke up out of our dreams in bed this morning. We already have Covid, vaccine hesitancy and not enough vaccines to go around. Do we really need yet another threat to life on this planet?
The Telegram was invented by mysterious Russian billionaire and close pal of Vladimir Putin, Sergei Rachmaninoff, in 2013. But its murky past lies further back in the realms of time in Soviet Russia.
Before the fall of the Berlin Wall, in 2008, Rachmaninoff headed a research project into the effects of fake news on docile halfwits at the Soviet Institute of Misinformation and Brainwashing in Vladivostok. It was during this time that he first became aware of the link between feeblemindedness and suggestibility. When Putin heard about this he became very excited and quickly arranged funding for Rachmaninoff from the KGB and the Russian mafia.
Over the next five years, the small village of Vladivostok was awash with rumours of forced medical interventions, the population confined to their homes and bribed with the promise of two free postcards from the Russian postal service, the closure of small businesses, state sponsored media campaigns, and people forced to wear old pieces of cloth left over from the Yeltsin years over their faces. It seemed the Russians would stop at nothing to develop their experimental app. Finally in August 2013, after years of misery for the Vladivostokians, The Telegram app (Or телеграмма, as it was known back then) was made available for download.
Gallagher picks up the story. “Look at all the disturbing things that have happened since 2013. Brexit, Donald Trump getting elected, that Malaysian aeroplane going missing, Jedward as political analysts on The Late Late Show! Do you really think that’s all a coincidence?”
Her rationale is persuasive, but it’s when she speaks about The Telegram’s effects in Ireland that my bowels really begin to open. Worryingly, the app is believed to have played a significant role in last month’s horrific attack on Irish MEPs, many of whom are still off work recovering.
But how did we get here? How does someone go from being an ordinary Joe or Joanne Soap, playing Sudoku and watching the tennis, to being a frenzied far-right maniac who votes in elections and sends emails to politicians? Well, it seems it’s all about the size of your brain.
Studies carried out by Chinese authorities in the 1990s found that people who didn’t believe what the government said had smaller brains, were sexually unattractive and tended to have vastly reduced life expectancy. A similar study, conducted last year in the UK by Imperial College of London and the Ministry of Defence, came to the same conclusions.
Once these misfits download The Telegram, there is little hope for them. Their tiny brains overwhelmed, they feel compelled (often several times a day) to reach for their phones and scroll through a sickening cornucopia of lies, hate, fake news, misinformation, more lies and a few memes.
The more extrovert ones add to this sorry stew, leaving far-right comments, creating their own conspiratorial posts, or sometimes attempting satire with horribly embarrassing results! According to Gallagher, the worst affected even engage in extremist voice chats, swapping anti-vax disinformation about vaccines that are proved to be safe and effective by vested interest medical and scientific experts all over the world.
When asked how she herself learned of The Telegram, Gallagher said her good friend and confidante Pat Kenny, well known as one of Ireland’s most humble and open-minded journalists, sent her a link to it. He himself had been cruelly tricked into downloading the hate app thinking it was a type of Tinder for lonely and socially awkward RTE staff who were having a hard time meeting other like-minded souls.
“And this is yet another example,” explains Gallagher, “of the type of evil manipulation The Telegram engages in! After being cowardly blocked for 24 hours by administrators on the app for his well thought out and tolerant opinions on tree dwellers not wearing masks, Pat came to me in tears, bless him, and I knew it was time to take action! To see a magnificent specimen of a man like that reduced to tears so quickly is simply intolerable and cannot be tolerated.”
Pat Kenny after being blocked by mods on The Telegram
Fortunately, thanks to Aoife Gallagher and the Institute for Strategic Dialogue, these cowardly Telegram creeps may not be among us for much longer. Her recent novel, co-authored with brave colleague Ciaran O’Connor, blows the lid off The Telegram’s hatefest and exposes the dirty far-right world that lies beneath. Without regard for their own personal safety, the two spent several hours over the last few weeks READING posts on The Telegram and CUTTING AND PASTING comments to put them in their real life espionage novel . You can read the novel here (for real!).
Gallagher’s and O’Connor's novel conclusively proves through genius logic that because somebody once posted something unpleasant to The Telegram, ALL the posts on The Telegram are therefore wicked, racist, homophobic and extremist. It’s a compelling argument. They back up their claim with an array of colorful graphs and important sounding chapter titles that have certainly convinced all of us here at The Covid Chronicle. If that wasn’t enough, their extensive use of the colour red throughout the novel left us feeling very uneasy indeed!
Gallagher hopes that as soon as the Irish government reads her fictional real life espionage novel, it’ll be the end of the line for The Telegram. “I hope to have a ‘Strategic Dialogue’ with a few ministers in the near future”, she chuckles coquettishly. “The Telegram is a disease, but thankfully there’s a vaccine for it. And that vaccine is called censorship. Like all vaccines, it’s safe and effective and has no side effects.”
Asked what we should do about the poor, feeble souls who have fallen victim to the mesmerizing power of The Telegram, she replied with a quote from one of her all time favourite inspirational heroes, George W. Bush, that “they're either with us or against us,” and that “now is not the time to be tolerant or understanding of other people's opinions.”
Speaking about the organisation she works for, Gallagher said, “It’s simply not true that the Institute for Strategic Dialogue is just a neo-conservative, astroturfing bunch of shills working on behalf of rich oligarchs, big business and the security services. Our organisation was not designed with the specific purpose of spreading division and fear among the public with the help of our pals in the media. If you look at all the circles and squiggly lines I use in my novel, you’ll see that this vile slur comes from The Telegram. Therefore, it is a right-wing conspiracy theory: to even think such a thing is hate speech and probably against the law.”
So what is the Institute for Strategic Dialogue, then?
Gallagher was happy to answer, “The Institute for Strategic Dialogue is exactly what its name says: an institute to support dialogue which is strategic. How could that be a bad thing? We certainly don’t have any connections to British military intelligence and we are definitely not funded by George Soros.”
After the interview we phoned the Institute for Strategic Dialogue in the hope of having a conversation about how best to win a game of Monopoly, but the MI6 officer who answered the phone said he was too busy plotting coups in Ukraine and Venezuela and could we call back later.
If you think your mind might have been taken over by The Telegram hate app, DO NOT attempt to remove it from your phone yourself. The app is understood to have a special brain manipulation feature that automatically starts when you try to uninstall it. Instead, you should place your phone in a large bucket of water, which itself should be put inside a waterproof jiffy bag and then promptly sent to the Institute for Strategic Dialogue in London: the specially trained experts there have larger brains than you and thus will be impervious to mind control. You should then turn yourself in to the nearest Garda station.
Aoife and Pat in younger, happier times, back in 2019