Panic on The Streets of Brussels

Right Wing Anti-Vaxxers yesterday.

Ireland's MEPs remained in hiding last night after a brutal attack on them by hundreds of right wing anti-vaxxers on Thursday morning.

The unsuspecting MEPs had expected Thursday to be just another normal day of big lunches, swanning around in chauffer-driven limousines and voting to curtail freedom, but awoke to find themselves the victims of a cowardly act of terror.

In a move that has sent shockwaves around the globe, Irish anti-vaxxers SENT EMAILS to politicians who represent them in the European Parliament, ASKING THEM to vote against a bill which would make it necessary for Europeans to have a vaccination certificate in order to travel anywhere in Europe. The terrorists' devious and underhand methods included quoting the Irish Constitution and requesting that the matter be properly debated before a vote took place.

"It was terrifying", said Frances Fitzgerald, Fine Gael MEP for Dublin, "I've been in politics more than eighty years and I've never known anything like it. There were more than sixty emails in my inbox when I woke up and by the time I'd deleted all of those, there were nearly twenty more, I really didn't think I'd make it through." Brave Fitzgerald, speaking from her heavily secured suite at the Rocco Forte Hotel Amigo, continued, "I thought I lived in a democracy but it seems I was mistaken. If these people will stoop so low as to petition an MEP by email about a political matter, we really have to ask if the system needs to change. You expect this kind of thing to happen in Beirut or Chechnya, not in Brussels or Dublin."

Billy Kelleher, Fianna Fail MEP for the South constituency, was recovering from his ordeal at pal Denis O'Brien's plush Ballsbridge mansion under the careful watch of a heavy Garda security detail. "I had a bit of a lie-in on Thursday", said Kelleher, "so when I woke up there was over a hundred emails on my phone. No one expects that. You don't know what to do when you find yourself in that kind of situation." An obviously shaken Kelleher went on, "I was expecting an email about a golfing event I'm supposed to be going to, so I couldn't just do a bulk delete or anything. I had to read through some of them. Now I'm not one who scares easy, but these things filled me with dread .They were full of horrible right wing stuff, you know, comparisons, rhetorical questions, the lot. I was literally shitting myself." The popular MEP is keen to get back to work, but doctors think it could be months before he fully recovers.

Some others, unfortunately, were not as lucky as Kelleher and Fitzgerald. Grace O'Sullivan of the Green Party is currently receiving counselling at an undisclosed mental health facility after the email deluge caused her to miss a scheduled hair appointment, and Sinn Fein's Chris MacManus reamains in intensive care after receiving more than 150 emails caused him to go over his mobile data limit.

Gardai remain tight-lipped about their ongoing investigation into the atrocity, but early speculation points to crazed alt-right barrister Tracey O' Mahoney and debunked conspiracy theorist Professor Dolores Cahill as possible ringleaders of the terrorists. However, a senior source at the British Ministry of Defence has suggested investigators should not rule out Russia's Vladimir Putin as a person of interest.

Asked how the government will respond to what is being dubbed "Ireland's 9/11", Taoiseach for Life Leo Varadkar said. "My thoughts are with the victims and their families. I, myself, have recieved emails from members of the public asking me to vote this way or that way and it is very intimidating. I just delete them. But I've never got so many at once as those people did this morning. Now is a time for reflection. If right wing anti-vaxxers can so easily send emails to politicians, then democracy clearly isn't working, so obviously we have to change that. Perhaps a centralised, global oligarchy where the police have more powers of surveillance and enforcement would be a solution. If that's the answer, then I think we're on the right track for that to happen."

When questioned on how he could be sure the senders of the emails were right wing, Varadkar tutted and asked "Have you never read Mein Kampf? When we responded, "No", he replied, "Well I have. I read it several times as a teenager. The first few chapters are all about how evil vaccines are and how they need to be stamped out. That's where Robert Kennedy gets all his material from."

When we pointed out that the emails weren't protesting about vaccines, but about vaccine certificates, the Taoiseach seemed to become impatient. "Maybe you're a right wing anti-vaxxer too", he said, narrowing his already beady eyes and calling a squadron of Gardai into the room. At that point we made our excuses and left.

The Covid Chronicle has closed comments on this article, and on all other articles too, in order to prevent attacks on our site by anti-vaxxers, right wingers, covid deniers, conspiracy nuts and algorithms.